Jonnydread, the nicest man I've never met

[$L!mBo]

I saw Jonnydread at a grocery store in Rhode Island yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen cartons of eggs in his hands without paying. The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter. When she took one of the cartons and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each carton and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

Chuck E Ducky Melrosejedi BLachance75 packersrule729
were all there with me and can vouch for this being 100% true news

[the_matrix_guy]

Lmao

[packersrule729]

Yes 100% true. I can vouch

[the_matrix_guy]

Toast to Jonny's Remarkable Impact

https://gofund.me/2e770a7b

[$L!mBo]

so unnecessary that i had to contribute

[Impactfour]

My exact thought, I'll definitely be deducting this very necessary charitable contribution come tax season!

[AnarchicArctic]

Jonnydread is a capital fellow and legit human. Good times are had abundantly, while the air is ripe with pungency. It’s an honor to know you brother

[William the Third]

And now I'm pregnant.

[Chappy]

Be careful we don’t allow porn posting here. We’ll let this one slide…

[JeeperCreeper]

Jonnydread might just be there most interesting man in existence.

[NONOBLITUS]

[NONOBLITUS]

This guy

[ChuckLove]

Jonny gives too many butt rubs but not in a nonconsensual way. Out of love and encouragement of his friends. On a more serious note, the man is an absolute joy to be around. Recently my lady broke herself quite badly. Jonny helped lift my spirits after spending a couple of days in the hospital with her.

[ChillswitchEngage]

Can confirm, Johny is a stand up dude and I hope I can have the honor of playing alongside or otherwise meeting him in person sometime.

[Chuck E Ducky]

..

[$L!mBo]

damn, thought i was still logged into Grinder.com for a minute

[JeeperCreeper]

Mmmm, good ol tip touchin action in the first pic

[JeepDVLZ45]

Haha, I forgot about that pic 😂. Jonny Claus will make all your dreams come true

[JeeperCreeper]

I can't believe Im featured in the same sticker as Jonnydread

[Siress]

Toast to Jonny's Remarkable Impact

https://gofund.me/2e770a7b

Next up, OnlyFans

[$L!mBo]

lmao

[the_matrix_guy]

Good stuff! Jonnydread check your email, brother. (Spam too in case you dont see it, all the GFM emails have been going to my spam box)

[the_matrix_guy]

“Only Fans” 😂

[Trbo323]

The whole implication of this thread is based on a false claim....


Johnny is not a man.

The nice part is true though

Sent from my motorola edge 2024 using Tapatalk

[Jordan]

The whole implication of this thread is based on a false claim....


Johnny is not a man.

The nice part is true though

Sent from my motorola edge 2024 using Tapatalk

It's true.

He's THE man.

[Chuck E Ducky]

The Legend of Jonnydread

Jonny "The Legend" McRedcrotch was the most feared paintballer in the tri-county area, a title he earned not just for his uncanny aim but for his flair for the dramatic. Clad in a neon-green jumpsuit that looked like it was stolen from a 1980s aerobics video, Jonny would strut onto the field like a peacock, his paintball gun slung over his shoulder like a guitar hero mid-solo. His legend began five years ago at the Muddy Acres Paintball Arena, and by 2025, his name was whispered in awe, like he was part paintballer, part mythical cryptid.

One sunny Saturday, Jonny rolled up to the annual "Splatocalypse" tournament in his beat-up van, blasting "Sweet Child O' Mine" so loud the tires seemed to vibrate. The competition was fierce—teams of ex-marines, college bros, and one suspiciously intense group of accountants who called themselves the "Ledger Launchers." Jonny, as usual, was a one-man team, because, in his words, "Teammates just slow down my vibe."

The first match was a capture-the-flag game in a dense forest course. Jonny’s strategy? Pure chaos. While the other players crept tactically, Jonny sprinted straight into the open, screaming, “I AM THE STORM!” and firing paintballs in every direction. Miraculously, not a single shot hit him. Opponents swore he had a force field, but it was just his knack for dodging—part matrix, part drunk uncle at a family reunion. He grabbed the flag, moonwalked across a log, and lobbed a paint grenade that splattered the entire Ledger Launchers squad in neon pink. They were still scrubbing it out of their calculators a week later.

By the final round, Jonny was up against the “Tactical Turtlenecks,” a team of ex-military types who took paintball so seriously they had codenames and a 50-page playbook. Their leader, Captain Grimface (real name: Steve), had a personal vendetta against Jonny after last year’s tournament, when Jonny tagged him out with a paintball to the goggles while singing “Happy Birthday.” This time, Grimface was ready. His team set up an ambush in a bunker, complete with tripwires and a guy named Carl who’d been practicing his sniper aim since Christmas.

Jonny, unfazed, decided to “go full legend.” He smeared his face with blue paint, tied a bandana made from an old Hawaiian shirt around his head, and—nobody knows why—brought a kazoo. As the Turtlenecks waited in their bunker, tense and sweaty, they heard an eerie buzzing. It was Jonny, playing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” on the kazoo while belly-crawling through the mud. The Turtlenecks panicked. Carl fired prematurely, splattering a tree. Another guy tripped over his own tripwire, covering himself in green goo. Jonny popped up, kazoo still blaring, and unleashed a barrage of paintballs that looked like a Jackson Pollock painting in midair. The Turtlenecks were out in 90 seconds flat.

The crowd roared as Jonny planted the flag, blew a final note on his kazoo, and shouted, “Who’s got the snacks?” The tournament organizer handed him the trophy—a spray-painted plunger with “Splat King” written in Sharpie. Jonny hoisted it like Excalibur, then promptly tripped over a root and faceplanted into a puddle of paint. The crowd loved it. Captain Grimface, wiping orange splatter from his turtleneck, muttered, “Next year, Jonny. Next year.”

That night, at the Splatocalypse afterparty, Jonny held court at the snack table, regaling newbies with tales of his exploits while double-dipping in the queso. Someone asked the secret to his success. Jonny grinned, paint still smudged on his teeth, and said, “You gotta shoot from the heart, dodge like nobody’s watching, and never trust a guy named Carl with a sniper rifle.” The room erupted in laughter, and Jonny, the Legend, kazooed his way into paintball immortality.

[$L!mBo]

"Teammates just slow down my vibe" is golden.
9/10 Lore, needs more eggs 🤣

[Chuck E Ducky]

He dose hold the Most Eggcellent Man Alive Championship Award five and a half years in a row.

[JeepDVLZ45]

I heard Jonnydread bunkered Chuck Norris…not once, but twice!
Chuck was so impressed, he invited Jonny over for deviled eggs and to father his babies.

[Melrosejedi]

Wouldn’t be complete without chuck norris story.

[Jonnydread]

I hadn't checked this thread since Friday and you people are ridiculous.

1. Every story in this thread is true.
2. Hoppers are for the weak (me weak)
3. Thank you for the wild generosity. It is greatly appreciated, I will be using it to tip the living hell out of the next unsuspecting foodservice worker I stumble across.