A pun is its own reword

[scottieb]

My neighbor named his dog 5 miles. This way, he can tell everyone he walked 5 miles today.

Well, this morning I ran over 5 miles.

[Rainmaker]

WANTED: A man has been stealing the wheels off of police cars. Police have been working tirelessly to catch him.

[scottieb]

Tough times for the police. I heard some thieves stole the toilets at the police station. The cops have nothing to go on.

[scottieb]

I knew a guy who was engaged six times.

That's a lot of near Mrs.

[acrewofone]

Yesterday I ate two pieces of string, today they came out tied, I shit you knot!

[Chuck E Ducky]

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

[GattoDiavolo]

I like to throw soy sauce at sad people...
You know, Kikkoman when he's down.

[William the Third]

I blame you for getting this song stuck in my head again...

[Chuck E Ducky]

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

[redsquirrel]

This years “Best Eyes” competition has been cancelled due to lack of funding. The regular judges were reportedly irate and lashing out.

[Chuck E Ducky]

I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.

[scottieb]

True story:

This morning I picked up my 12 year old from a camp out he did this weekend. There were a bunch of kids standing around with a drawing they had made of another kid. That kid said "Hey! Why do I have four arms?"

I said "Because without them your hands would be connected to your elbows."

No one there got it.

[acrewofone]

I was out jogging and some guy yelled and threw a jar of mayonnaise at me, I yelled back at him "what the Hellman's!"

[GattoDiavolo]

Why is Vader called "Lord"?

Because calling him "Master" made all the stormtroopers giggle.